4 Sexy Foods Around the World

Let’s face it. Nobody reads my blog for the hard-hitting political analysis and creative use of words. Like most travel blog audiences, they read it for the pretty pictures! The clickbaity lists! The bits where it seems like you, too, might one day go on a perfect vacation and look at a mountain or sea or something while simultaneously saving the world. And everybody is salivating in anticipation of the release of my upcoming e-book, “How to feel cool like me and also make money.”

The other most important rule of travel blogging is this: sex sells. Sure, thoughtful reflections on the difficulties of travelling are very well and good, but if I want anybody but my Mom to read them I should probably post a few artistic-looking pictures of me in a bikini and talk about how enlightened I’ve become since I started travelling. And also be actually funny.

Since I am not of the bikini-pics online persuasion, however, I have decided to only sell the other 95% of myself to the man by writing an article about sex and food. That way I’ll touch on most of the basic Maslowian needs, maybe get a few clicks from people googling pervy stuff, and then feel better about myself because I measure my self-worth in website clicks and Facebook shares.

Ready?

Here goes.

1. In Avcılar, Turkey, Try the Yogurt

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The yogurt aisle in a Turkish supermarket is the place to get your freak on.

Just kidding.

The yogurt aisle is one of my favourite parts of Turkey because I love yogurt and because I love how serious Turkish people are about their yogurt. Serious enough to devote half an aisle to various brands of plain yogurt and the remainder to fruit yogurt and yogurt-derived products like Ayran – a salty yogurt based drink.

No other Turkish food rivals the place reserved for yogurt in your average supermarket, not even cigarettes.

Oh. I promised sexy food you say? Well, for your information, yogurt has been known to prevent yeast infections and since sex without a yeast infection is ultimately sexier than sex with a yeast infection, I maintain that yogurt is a sexier food than people give it credit for. Still, if you aren’t satisfied with the sexiness-level of yogurt, have a look below.

2. In Sochi, Savour some Fried Labia

labia

So you’ve made it to Sochi, site of a now run-down Olympic stadium and an expensive place from which to see the Black Sea. You’re out on the waterfront – basically the only thing to see in Sochi – wondering where you can get the hottest vittles in town.

Fear not! You have but to choose the local delicacy, the fried labia. You can order these puppies for a smooth 400 Rubles or 8 Canadian dollars. I would write the value in American dollars too, but that would just remind me that my grocery bill is 15% higher than it used to be. The stain on the menu only proves the incredible popularity of this dish. Don’t miss out!

Your culinary identification just doesn’t permit you to fully enjoy the experience of tasting labia? Fortunately, most people who aren’t into labia will be into the next item on my list.

3. It’s Getting Hot in Alaçatı, Turkey! Finish Off Your Day with a Jizzscicle

jizz popsicle

Labia might not be your thing, but fortunately most people who aren’t into them don’t mind a little jizz. Capitalizing on Alaçatı’s blisteringly hot weather, the impressive virility of young Turkish men (and the difficulty they have finding Turkish women to consume their product) and the fact that about 50% of people are into that kind of stuff, one enterprising Alaçatı entrepreneur created the ultimate throat cooling snack. Bet you can’t have just one!

If you have made it this far into the article, you are probably not a total prude, but you might be. You might be one of those people who reads to the end of some hypersexualized thing because you enjoy feeling indignant, because you want to criticize me afterwards, or just because you can’t take your eyes off the trainwreck that is my sense of humour.

Well anyway. If labia and jizz cramp your style, and if it’s all you can do to admit that genitalia exist, you don’t have to worry. Turkish people can be prudish too, and it isn’t always considered a bad thing. Sometimes people just don’t want to acknowledge the difficult-to-ignore fact that most organisms have a vagina, a penis, or a butt (in various combinations.)

Translation: Durdu: Pregnant women shouldn't go out in the street because nobody will be able to think anything but 'How did she get pregnant?' Hanimi: I just wanted you to know that your mother wasn't the virgin Mary. She also had sex. Durdu: Don't cast aspersions on my mother!

Translation: Durdu: Pregnant women shouldn’t go out in the street because nobody will be able to think anything but ‘How did she get pregnant?’
Hanimi: I just wanted you to know that your mother wasn’t the virgin Mary. She also had sex.
Durdu: Don’t cast aspersions on my mother!  This guy is probably a troll, but unfortunately there are factions within Turkish society with shockingly similar views.

4. In Kocamustafaşa, Shut Your Eyes to the Existence of Genitalia at the Butcher Shop.

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One of the most clever ways you can pretend that they don’t exist is by stuffing a fake rose or perhaps a piece of lettuce in the orifice of any dead animal that you might be tempted to eat. (Unfortunately, Turkish butchers don’t seem to be up on their Western Judeo-Christian tropes, so they have missed out on the potential hilarity of using a fig leaf.) That way, nobody will ever notice that anything untoward might ever have gone on there. Definitely not. You can eat your meat without worrying that sexuality will rear its ugly head and remind you of its existence.

Bon appetit!

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  1. Paul says:

    Ahahaha, this is hilarious. Related: have you seen this guy? https://www.patreon.com/weirdexplorer — awesome. Not as sexy as genitalia but definitely made my mouth water.

    I didn’t mean for that to sound as sexual as it did. Oh man, just thinking of his videos has my mouth watering again. I feel like a dog in a Russian psych lab.

    Reply
  2. Kate says:

    The first photo I saw of that guy, he was definitely eating a jackfruit. Jackfruit smell and taste like farts, so that might be a fitting post-script to this exquisite monument to my intellectual prowess. In fact, this post might just be my own interpretation of the latest academic trend of interpreting everything through the lens of the physical or natural body and space or landscape.

    Thanks…I guess? 😉

    Also, dog in a Russian psych lab? Was there a news story that I missed? I know the expressions ‘dog in a Chinese restaurant’ and I know the story of the canine cosmonauts. Is this a reference to something else?

    Reply
  3. Kate says:

    What a great way to make that expression at once relevant and not racist!

    Reply

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