All posts tagged Hospitality

  • Kyrgyzstan: Yurts, Russian, and Radicalization Fears and Realities

    As an adolescent, I hated yurts, which smacked of a patronizing variety of poseur-hippie that rubbed me in all the wrong ways. The offensive yurts always seemed to pop up on university campuses, at homeschooling conferences, and random stretches of grass, accompanied by a posse of beckoning dreadlocked evangelists, “Hey, do you want to come and see our yurt? Come inside!”

    It’s not that yurts aren’t cool, it was just that they seemed so cliché.

    With this in mind, it is with a touch of embarrassment that I confess that my greatest goal for my trip to Kyrgyzstan was to, at some point, sleep in a yurt. I knew it was likely to be a tourist yurt, but sleeping in a yurt in Kyrgyzstan makes me less of a poseur than homeschooling-conference hippies, right?

    Maybe not, but people can change.

    Anyway, at an undeniably touristic yurt camp where I stayed, where German tourists flock to bask in the natural glory that are the pastures and mountains of Kyrgyzstan, I fell in with a group of Kyrgyz tourists who, like me, were entirely unused to yurt-living.  They arrived a few hours after I did, and cheerfully plonked themselves beside me in the dining yurt and began chattering.

    almaluu yurt camp kyrgyzstan

    The afore-mentioned dining yurt

    “I slept in a yurt once before actually,” said one of my new buddies. “But it wasn’t as comfortable as these ones. It was a real yurt.”

    “You mean you don’t stay in yurts regularly, not even for vacation?” I asked. “No,” said another girl. “We don’t. We’re from Bishkek.”

    The following night, the same girls regaled me with tales of their daytime activity, a show of traditional horse games and archery. As we ate we watched a young Kyrgyz girl dance to traditional music and then stood while she conducted a “master class” which was supposed to be a way for us to experience Kyrgyz dance, and was definitely a way to make us all look like total idiots. The Kyrgyz women were barely better than me at the moves, which surprised me. I’d thought that they would have at least some background, though movies or a lesson in an elementary school gym class – something. It didn’t appear to be the case.

    We sat down again to munch on cookies and sip tea mixed with jam. The conversation went on in Russian, so I mostly focused on eating because unless I’m being spoken to directly, it’s hard for me to follow. I looked around at them. They comprised a wider variety of ages than I’d first assumed. The youngest girl I met was 15, and the oldest member of the group was in his early thirties.

    “How did you all meet each other?” I asked, as the conversation lulled.

    “Actually,” one explained, “This is a program called Muras and it’s about kochman. In Kyrgyz, kochman means nomad, and this program is about bringing youth who are Kyrgyz but who don’t have their culture anymore to experience the traditional Kyrgyz culture. You know, all Kyrgyz people used to be nomads and live in yurts, but now there are also a lot of people like us who live sedentary lives in Bishkek and speak usually Russian.”

    “Are there any Kyrgyz people who don’t even speak Kyrgyz?” I asked.

    “Yeah, maybe. We go to school in Russian and university in Russian, and maybe there are some parents who speak only Russian at home. In Bishkek, it’s possible. Or people speak Kyrgyz, but not at an academic level. Anyway, with this program we go around Kyrgyzstan for ten days for free, and we see some traditional things like what it is like to live in yurt, riding horses, dances, crafts and things like that. Some of us are writers, bloggers, and journalism students. We take pictures and write about our experience in order to encourage other youth to know more about traditional Kyrgyz culture.”

    “I have another question,” I said. “During the Soviet Union, Kazakh people were forced into collective farming and more or less stopped being nomads. Did that happen in Kyrgyzstan too?”

    “Actually, yes, there are lots of sedentary Kyrgyz people now,” said the woman sitting next to me, a doctoral student called Gulbara. “What usually happens nowadays is that people in the villages have some animals, but instead of taking them to pasture in the summertime they pay another shepherd to take his animals to pasture. So maybe only five people from every village go to live in a yurt in the summer. The rest stay in town and work. A lot of people don’t want to stay in yurts. Moving is expensive, and being in a yurt can be a bit boring.

    Next up was an interview with camp staff, conducted by the journalistically inclined members of the group. The gist of the interview, translated for me later, was that the woman working at her camp loved her job because she saw it as a way to combat the rise of radicalization in Kyrgyzstan. “Why are youth interested in radicalization?” she asked. “Why not be interested in our traditions? That’s why I do what I do.”

    I asked one girl, a journalist called Jibek, about her job outside of this program. “I mostly write about success stories,” she said. “In Russian and sometimes in English.” “Not in Kyrgyz?” I asked. “No,” she said. “Actually, my English is better than my Kyrgyz.”

    At the next meal, I got a question I wasn’t prepared for: “So, what did you know about Kyrgyzstan before coming?”

    I stammered, both because I was expected to answer in Russian because I hadn’t expected the question. “Um, I heard that you have yurts, that you eat a lot of meat, that you used to be a part of the Soviet Union… but you know, North Americans really know nothing about Central Asia. Really nothing. So I can’t say I was raised to think about Kyrgyzstan at all.”

    “Well,” said one of my conversation partners helpfully, “Kyrgyzstan is actually kind of a contradicted country. We are right next to China and we look Asian, but we’re not Chinese. We speak a Turkic language, but we’re not Turkish. Many of us speak Russian and we were part of the Soviet Union, but we’re not Russian either. And we have many different ethnic groups – Kyrgyz, Russian, Uzbek, Muslim Chinese, some Turks and Koreans. And we’re kind of at a strategic location between all of those countries, so everybody wants a piece of the pie – especially China.”

    The next day the group was rejoined by a woman working for UNICEF Kyrgyzstan, and the topic of radicalization came up again. “I work with education and things,” she said, “and some healthcare too. There is a big problem with radicalization in Kyrgyzstan, so we had a measles epidemic recently because of it. There were some people that were telling parents that vaccines weren’t halal, and that’s all it took.”

    It seemed funny to me. Kyrgyzstan seemed utterly different from Turkey; few women were wearing Islamic coverings and I heard the call to prayer drifting from a nearby mosque only rarely. Still, the topic of radicalization had come up twice, and it seemed as though people were talking enough about it that it must have been current.

    I left the yurt camp and my new friends to work for a few days in the nearest large town of Karakol. My homestay host had things to say about radicalization to. “Kyrgyzstan has some very nice, very good traditions and very good things,” he said. “But also some problems. Like radicalization is a big problem. In the south, about 1000 people went to join radical Islamist organizations this year. (Note: I’m just quoting, but this link claims 500.)  It is mostly happening in the south, among young men who are not educated and don’t have anything good to do in their life. Yes, it’s a problem. A very big problem.

    It seemed almost preposterous to me, as on the surface Kyrgyzstan had none of the overt aggressiveness that Turkey sometimes has, particularly when it came to young men. I occasionally got greeted in the street, but nobody touched me or tried to follow me, and most people did not even extend their greeting to flirtation.

    I was standing in line at the airport in Bishkek waiting for my flight to Istanbul when the bombs went off at Ataturk airport. The latest news appears to indicate that one of the bombers was from Kyrgyzstan, so I guess there was something to what everybody seemed to be saying.

    The main gist of the trip, however, was not radicalization but hospitality. And yurts. They were as good as I imagined.

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  • I Would Be Humiliated!

    I was back in Istanbul this week visiting some friends. One friend invited me to his family’s house for dinner, where I was asked an intriguing question.

    “What’s the most difficult thing about Turkey?”

    For a moment, I was at a loss for what to say, both because no Turkish person has ever asked me that and because there are a lot of things I find difficult in Turkey.

    I could have talked about some of the more global problems in Turkey – corruption, women’s rights, the huge political divisions, and so on. In the end, however, I answered that what was hardest day to day were my own personal encounters with culture shock. Not knowing how to behave, whether to wear slippers, what it means when somebody buys you things, what you can say about Turkish culture as a foreigner, and so on.

    So that’s what I said. “Well, there are a lot of things that are difficult about Turkey, but on a personal level it’s mostly just culture shock. For example, men always buy me meals here. In Canada, that would probably mean something romantic, but here the culture is different so I never know how to behave when it happens.

    Friend’s brother-in-law said, “Oh yeah. One time in university, I had a friend who was a girl. She was just a friend – we weren’t involved or anything. One day after class we went out for tea. I had enough money for one tea and one bus ticket home. But I paid for both the teas and because I didn’t have the money for the bus, I had to walk three hours to get home.”

    “Then another time, I had another female friend who I also wasn’t involved with. We went out often and I usually paid for the tea, but one day she paid for it. Later on, I asked a guy friend of mine how he would feel if a girl paid for his tea. He said, “I would be humiliated!”

    After hearing this story, friend allowed me to pay for a tea for him. If memory serves me correctly, it was the only thing he let me pay for. Also, note the composition of this photograph.

    After hearing this story, the friend who had invited me to dinner allowed me to pay for a tea for him. If memory serves me correctly, it was the only thing he let me pay for for the whole week. Also, note the composition of this photograph. The chipped nail polish, the messy tray in the background, the fact that it is clear that I took this with my cell-phone camera #thisisreallife #onlyreallyterriblemakeup #nophotoshop #Iwouldbeaterribletourismtravelblogger

  • Chicken Soup for the Lesbian Soul

    This post is about one particular area of culture shock that, no matter how much time I spend in Turkey and with Turkish people, I still find challenging.

    I’m not talking about lesbianism, which I will get to later. I am talking about hospitality culture, and particularly, about when Turkish people buy me stuff. It’s not that I have any problem with people being generous, or with hospitality, or with people being happy that I’m there. All of these things are lovely.

    What I find difficult about Turkish hospitality culture is that its rules are totally different from Canadian hospitality culture. It’s like learning a new language. Moreover, unlike actually learning a language, there are few Turkish culture teachers who have also spent a lot of time immersed in Canadian culture that can instruct me on the finer points of how to feel and behave when people (read, mostly men) offer to buy me stuff or just buy me stuff without allowing me the space to politely refuse. My cultural codes play constant interference in my head, and I always struggle with making the same assumptions about gifts in Turkey that I would make in Canada.

    Oh Canada / my home and native land / your cultural norms / the only ones I understand.

    Oh Canada / my home and native land / your cultural norms / are the ones I understaaaaaaaaand.

    Here’s an example: in Canada, if a man asks you out, there are tacit codes for about how much money he can spend on you before it becomes clear that you are very interested in him romantically. The last time I went on a date in Canada, I think I let him spend $10 on me. This is low, but it was a first date and I was entirely unsure about my own level of interest, so I didn’t want him to get any ideas.

    If, however, I had allowed him to spend $30 or $40 on me, I would practically have been obligated to give him a second date, and if it had been more, he probably would have expected me to sleep with him that night. I would be allowed to refuse, but it would be considered greedy to do something like that and we likely wouldn’t continue seeing each other.

    However, if I were interested but not ready or willing to have a physical relationship, I could keep the amount of money I allowed him to spend low, perhaps pay for the second date, and by the third date have a frank and honest conversation about our mutual expectations going forward.*

    In Turkey, the first time I went out with a guy, I made it very clear beforehand that I wasn’t romantically interested in anything because I was only there for two months, and he told me that he was living temporarily at his parents’ house because he was between jobs. From my perspective, considering the fact that he didn’t have a job, and because I didn’t want him to think that I was romantically interested, we should choose cheap places and both pay our own way, right? Wrong. He paid for everything, including a fair amount of alcohol (which, relative to the Turkish cost of living, is like liquid gold.) I felt quite badly about how much money it was, and I remember him saying to me, as I made noises of protestation, “you’re a guest in Turkey,” and then “it’s basically impossible to say no to things in Turkey.”

    He was right. I have now been in this situation countless times, and I usually can’t say no. Each time, I am very thankful for the generosity but I normally feel a bit guilty as well.

    I also have trouble distinguishing between what is regular “you are a guest” gifts and what are “I like you romantically” gifts. In some ways, it doesn’t matter, because it is difficult to say no either way. Eventually I realized that the only way I can deal with this is to be clear about my expectations, be careful, and accept gifts graciously and thankfully. Then, if somebody turns out to have other intentions, I can politely tell them that I was telling the truth about what I was and wasn’t looking for.

    Easier said than done, however. I still find myself doing things to mitigate how guilty I feel about people buying me things. So, when a Turkish guy invited me out here in Georgia, I suggested we go to a place that I knew wasn’t that expensive so that I would feel better about him paying.

    Unfortunately, when we got there it was temporarily closed. He said, “Hey, I had sushi last night and it was really good. I’d be happy to have it again – do you want to?”

    In Canada sushi is not particularly expensive, so without really thinking about it, I said, “Sure, sushi sounds good.”

    Big mistake. When we got to the sushi place I looked at the menu only to realize that the sushi was approximately three times the price of Canadian sushi. So I said, “Oh, I didn’t realize it would be so expensive.”

    And he said, “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t invite you to an expensive place and expect you to pay.”

    Welp. Here we go again.

    I told him that he could order because I couldn’t even order food that expensive for myself, and he did the honours. The sushi came (it was the best sushi I have ever had) and he started making racist comments. I can’t even write them down because I don’t want to make my Turkish friends who read this blog angry.

    Shit.

    Finally, I said, “You know, I don’t agree with what you’re saying and I would prefer to talk about something else.” We changed the subject, tucked into the sushi, conversed, whatever. I already knew that me and this guy were not going to be friends, so I couldn’t act remotely flirtatious. Just politely friendly.

    Midway through the meal he said, “You know, you have a lesbian soul.”

    I said, “What?”

    He said, “I can tell you’re a lesbian.”

    I said, “I’m not a lesbian.”

    He said, “No, I promise you that you are. I have a lot of lesbian friends, and you act exactly like them.”

    I thought, “When you say “lesbian friends,” do you mean women who don’t find you attractive? Or are they actually lesbians?”

    I said, “well, I’m not a lesbian.”

    He said, “No, seriously, you are definitely a lesbian! If you want, tonight we will go out to the club and I will buy you a prostitute and you can try being with a woman. I guarantee you that if you are just with a woman once you will not want to go back to men.”

    This was preposterous. I made a face as if I were seriously considering it.

    He said, “See, you are not grossed out!”

    I said, “I’m afraid I might have to refuse your offer. I don’t like the idea of paying for sex. Also, I’m not a lesbian.”

    He said, “What’s the problem? You won’t be paying, I will be.”

    Did I feel bad when he paid for 40 American dollars’ worth of sushi for me? No, no I did not. Did I feel obligated to see him again? Also no!

    The ladies in Bend it like Beckham are as confused as I am.

    The ladies in Bend it like Beckham are as confused as I am. Although I am neither a lesbian nor a Pisces.

    On a side note, this is not the first time this has happened to me with Turkish men. The other three times, I politely refused a man’s offer to take me out only to have him ask, “what, are you a lesbian?” as though it were the only possible reason I could possibly refuse to spend time with such a stud.

    I always have to bite back the urge to say, “not usually, but your Mom is special.” In Canada, it would be a mild burn. In Turkey, it might get me beaten up.

    *The amounts differ depending on the relative income brackets of the two people going on a date, and there is a threshold where you cannot safely assume romantic intent, which is usually about the cost of one coffee or beer.

  • Azerbaijani Culture I: Western Hospitality through the Lens of the Canapé

    Hospitality cultures in Turkey and the Caucasus are very different from hospitality cultures in North America and the West.

    I have already written a bit about Turkish hospitality, and touched on how it can provoke extreme culture shock. I plan to write a whole not tongue-in-cheek post on it at some point as it is definitely one of the most difficult things for me to navigate as a Canadian.

    I can only imagine that Turkish and Caucasian peoples experience an inside-out version of this when they spend time in Europe or North America.

    According to a British girl living in Azerbaijan with her Azerbaijani boyfriend that I met on the train to Baku, this creates a general perception that people from the West are cold and inhospitable.

    Canapes

    Mmmm, canapés…

    She said, “I sometimes have to remind my boyfriend that Azerbaijanis don’t have a monopoly on hospitality – that we also have hospitality in the U.K., but we express it differently. Most of the Azerbaijanis I’ve met think that we are cold people and that they can’t expect to receive hospitality from us, which is true of some people, of course, but not really a fair assumption.

    There was this one time I invited a bunch of our friends all round for dinner. When they arrived, it turned out they’d all been out to eat together just before and they weren’t hungry. I’d made so much food; a massive lasagna and everything. So I asked, ‘Why? I made tonnes of food.’ And I’d made everything – I made desserts.

    They said, ‘We were really hungry and we expected to come over and there would be nothing but canapés and like, tiny little cucumber sandwiches. So we ate before.’

    I said, ‘What? Why would I invite you over and serve you cucumber sandwiches?’ I can only imagine that at some point they all went to some British person’s house or something and that’s what it was… They probably expected a full meal and were really hungry the whole time. So they prepared in advance for my invitation.”

     

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  • Culture Shock in Turkey II: Turkish Hospitality

    The ubiquitous Turkish tea glassOne of the most central societal values and structures in Turkey is the notion of hospitality. In a society that loves flouting the rules, one unwritten rule cannot be disobeyed: you must treat your guests well. Turkish people consider themselves very hospitable, and even if an Turkish person is less than talented in the art of receiving guests, he or she will still claim hospitality because being inhospitable is culturally shameful.

    I have had the privilege to meet some truly hospitable people in Turkey. One woman in Küçükküyü who fed me dinner and called me “cool” without even knowing me. My friend Tutku, and her family. The many people who have given me directions and told me where to get off transit. My friend Alper is almost comically hospitable. Before we had even met, within the first 30 seconds of our first phone conversation, he said “You’re new in Turkey. Is there anything you need?” Out to dinner, “Are you cold? Do you want me to ask them if they have a blanket?” as well as “Are you sure you’re okay sitting there? You could sit here and see the sea.” I brushed my bangs out of my eyes “I can ask if they have an elastic if you want.?” Leaving my job “You can always stay here.”

    I have always been extremely clear about not being up for sex or a relationship, and he was initially planning to leave the area for a job. Normally I couldn’t help but explain that kind of behaviour through the lens of sex and courtship (is that bad?), but I think he might just be like that.

    Turkish hospitality can get awkward for those of us from, erm, more inhospitable cultures. One reason, of course, is that we are not used to politely accepting gifts. Another reason is that it is hard to gauge what people want from you when they are all claiming hospitality – and in Turkey, many people are genuinely hospitable, while others are acceptably hospitable and others straight-up inhospitable. The common thread between all three groups is that they all made claims about being hospitable. This can get uncomfortable and overwhelming.

    After the fifth cup of tea

    Turkish person: “Do you want tea?”

    Me: “Oh yeah, I’m getting up anyway, so I’ll get it this time.”

    Turkish person: “Nonono. Turkish hospitality.”

    On entering someone’s home or business

    Turkish person: Do you want some tea?

    Me: No thank you, I’m in a hurry.

    Turkish person: I can’t not offer you teaaaaaaa. That would *destroy* my identity as a Turkish person! Turkish hospitality!

    At basically any meal eaten with Turkish people

    Turkish person: Eat more. Do you want this thing? What about this thing? What about this thing?

    Me: No thank you. I’m full.

    Turkish person: You have to eat! You are so skinny! Turkish hospitality!

    Uttered after I unsuccessfully attempted to pay for my drinks

    Turkish person: Refusal is not easy in Turkey. You have to be very firm, or you will end up saying yes to a marriage proposal or something. Gets the cheque.

    Staying over at somebody’s house

    Turkish person: Are you sure you don’t need anything else?

    Me: Yep. I’m sure. Thanks a lot.

    Turkish person: Really, are you sure? Are you sure you don’t want to shower?

    Me: That’s the third time he’s asked me that. Do I smell bad?

    Me: No no, I’m fine. If I want something, I’ll do it or ask you about it. Don’t worry about me.

    Turkish person: Turkish hospitality!

    In some of these cases, they really were being hospitable, and the awkwardness resulted mostly from the fact that I suck at accepting gifts with grace and dignity. On the other hand, sometimes “Turkish hospitality” can be more about the Turkish than about the hospitality. Like in every country, hospitality and manipulation coexist in the same space.

    All that said, it was pleasing to live in a place where hospitality is a strong cultural imperative. For every person that’s doing it wrong, I’ve met a few that are doing it right, and these people have inspired me to hopefully be a bit more hospitable now that I’ve made my retour à Montréal.

    So don’t hesitate. Invite yourself over to my apartment. Don’t even think about getting up to get yourself some tea in my home. Do you want tea? Do you want to take a shower? Do you want tea? Do you want coffee? I’ll bring you some tea. How about a beer? Coffee? How about some tea? Is there anything else you need? Shower? Tea? Of course, you can stay the night. Here’s one more glass of tea. Ok, I’m making you breakfast. Do you want eggs? With sausage? Shower with your eggs? Here’s some tea to tide you over. Yes yes, you can take it in the shower. I’ll have another cup waiting for you when you get out.

    Try not to get uncomfortable. I can’t help it. Turkish hospitality!

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